The Fear Of Wednesday

I have learned so much this year……and the journey is far from over.  We still need to plug through to the end of school.  We are still standing with the aviation staff here…..waiting what future plans will be.  We are still praying for wisdom for Jan and the extended family.  And then there is our own families mission trip we are going to take prior to leaving on furlough.  Talk about fear and pushing me out of my comfort zone.  Sigh.  We will be roughing it for about 10 days.  I wonder if we leave for that on a Wednesday? 

What does Wednesday have to do with anything?!!!?

I had been musing about writing this blog prior to Bob’s crash.  Because about 3ish months ago I was inspired to ask a co-worker/friend for accountability in loosing baby fat.  For 16 years, I have trudged around an extra 10-20 pounds, that has left me dis satisfied. Nothing else has worked.  Little did I realize that this accountability would lead to my mid life crises.

It wasn’t the counting calories that pushed me.  It was the running.  Running up the mountain.  Running for longer then 5 minutes.  Running sprints.  Always running.  I really wanted to just crawl into fetal position and stop.  But I had to face reality that for 41 years, I had NEVER pushed myself, or exerted myself.  I had to face, that I had a weak heart, wimpy legs and arms, poor lungs and a horrible will. And knowing that I couldn’t “pretend” in front of my co/worker and friend to be someone better then I was, was completely humbling.

Wednesday was/is accountability day, when my friend would/will “RUN” (ok, she walks fast)  with me.  The problem is, she is super fit…..so she will ALWAYS be able to push me, to show me that I can do more.  I literally get indigestion every Wednesday morning…..knowing that I am going to get a challenging work out that is going to push me to my max.

Yet it is the FEAR of Wednesdays that has motivated me all the rest of the week to keep moving!  Knowing that in 6 more days, I will have to face accountability and humility again.

The results….I’m the smallest I have been in 18 years.  My heart is stronger then it has ever been.  I can now jog for 30 minutes.  Oh believe me…..there is still miles and years (groan) for improvement.  I still can’t do a proper push up.  I’m still the slowest in our exercise group. 

Now post crash…..there is one more challenge to Wednesday.  It’s the day Bob crashed.  Not even with complete awareness…..my heart feels heavy every Wednesday.  I hear the small mission planes flying overhead.  I don’t notice them on other days.  I think…..that should be Bob flying home.  Maybe the plane will land and Bob will get out and everything will go back to “ normal”.  But the plane flies on to a different runway.  Memories flood back.  My mind becomes aware of my heart and I count the weeks.  One week post.  Two week’s post.  3 weeks post…..

Being pushed out of our comfort zone is never fun.  Dealing with loss is empty and sad.  Facing challenge is good and difficult.  Taking a mission trip (even when you are a missionary – haha) will be very healthy for our family, opening our eyes to Darron’s work and the need for the gospel in remote locations in Papua. 

Do I welcome Wednesday’s?  With a sigh, I will answer, “Yes”.

This scripture verse was given to me the Monday after Bob’s crash.  It ministered to me so much that it now hangs on a canvas painting in our living room.

Your mercy, OH LORD, will hold me up.  In the multitude of my anxieties within me, YOUR COMFORTS DELIGHT, my soul.  Psalms 94: 19

Some challenges we invite into our lives.  Some just come, unwelcomed.  May we all continue to find the strength to face our fears on the hard days.  And rejoice in the victories.